Reviving a Blog for a New Purpose

When I originally created this blog it was part of an online tutorial for Web 2.0 tools and it was going to be a place for me to reflect on my practice as a high school librarian.  Well, I kept up for a while but then life...and I haven't posted in over three years. There was an unposted draft when I opened the blog but it was unfinished so I just deleted it.

So, why am I returning to this space now?  Well, life has taken another turn and I feel the need to communicate but knowing who to email, what to post on Facebook and what to tell people in person seems a daunting task.  I thought about starting a Caring Bridge Site but figured this was here already and why add my email and personal data one more place.

So, while I'm not renaming the blog.  I'm still "Ms. Mac, Library Lady" although no students have called me Ms. Mac for years...I'm re-purposing it for my journey with Metastatic Breast Cancer.  This past week I received pet-scan results and once again there is progression in my liver with a new tumor, new spots in the bones and in the pelvic lymph nodes.  That means it's time for another change in treatment.  Each time this happens it gets a little more difficult.

For those that don't know the back story--in 1999 I was diagnosed with estrogen positive breast cancer in my left breast and lymph nodes.  Surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy from June-December and I was considered cancer free.  5 years of Tamoxifen and the threat of recurrence was minimal.  Then in October of 2010 (after a summer of back pain), I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in my bones along the spine and in the hips.  Radiation and back on Tamoxifen for 18 months.  My oncologist retired, I had an oopherectomy to stop the estrogen and a port installed to make the bone strenthening IV easier.  Tamoxifen stopped working and on to another pill for 18 months.  That stopped working and then on to another drug.  In 2015, abdominal pains sent me to the ER and a discovery that my liver now had tumors, so onto IV chemotherapy I went.  Almost a year of different chemos and then moved onto Ibrance (those commercials about metastiatic breast cancer on TV) combined with Faslodex injections which worked for 12 months.  Last fall, another progression so back to IV chemo--Gemzar that didn't agree with me for side-effects so in December switched to oral chemotherapy with Xeloda which brings me to today.

Because of the progression on Xeloda, I will move back to IV chemo on June 20th.  I have three  choices  and I haven't yet decided which one.  All of them require weekly visits for bloodwork and then back the next day for an infusion for two or three weeks in a row then a break before the cycle repeats every 21 or 28 days depending on my choice.  They aren't long infusions but it will still require giving up a good chunk of my day.  The infusion RN's are a wonderful group and know me well as I've been a regular visitor for the last several years.  Each choice has side effects that effect life's quality but until I do it I don't know what I can tolerate or not tolerate. 

So that's where I'm at.  Not where I want to be or where I want to spend my summer vacation, but it's my reality.  I know this is how this disease works, but each time there's progression it gets a little harder.  Luckily ,in January of 2017 I found a support group for people with metastatic or recurrent cancers of all types.  It has really helped to be with people that "get it."  I have wonderful colleagues, friends, church family  and my parents nearby to lean on when I need it.  I'm not so great about doing it, but I do know they're there.

People always ask what I need and I never know what to say.  I can handle my own meals.  I have treated myself to monthly housecleaning for years.  The infusion center is a busy place and I'm so comfortable there having someone with me just seems to get in the way of the nurses trying to do their job.  Because it's summer vacation and I'll be off work, I worry about being alone too much.  So, a phone call or visit or invitation to do something will be welcome.  I'll say NO if I don't feel up to it. 

And prayers are always welcome.  I know it's my faith that has given me strength to see this through. I don't verbalize it much but it is what I rely on in the darkest hours.  My friend, Carol  who passed in 2015, gave me a CD when she was undergoing her cancer treatments and I often turn to those songs to bring me comfort.

I'll post here again when I decide which treatment to do.  Meanwhile the last 5 days of school and a trip to Portland for my youngest niece's college graduation lay ahead.

LeighAnn