Round 4, more scans and some random political thoughts.

Round 4 of the IV chemotherapy completed today.  6 more days of the pills then the next two week break.  Both weeks have gone as expected and no significant changes in the side-effects.

When I met with the doctor last week, I expressed concern over shortness of breath and leg swelling.  To be safe, she ordered an ultra sound and CT scan to rule out any blood clots.  Both tests came back clear.  (Prayers answered for sure!)  I will self-diagnose the leg swelling due to the heat and excess weight I've added with these latest drugs and the shortness of breath to the crappy, smoggy, smoky air we've had in the valley the last few months.  Definitely, a sigh of relief that there isn't anything else going on.  Hopefully fall will bring better weather and clearer skies.

On to some random off topic thoughts that relate to current politics, so feel free to stop reading at this point.  Dr. Ford that has come forward with a high school allegation against the Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh has come under fire for how could she possibly remember something like that from 35 years ago.  I have two stories that don't come close to hers but are my own moments about interactions with men of previous eras that were raised with "boys will be boys" attitudes.

The first incident was in 5th grade when I first started wearing a bra because I was developing.  One day at recess a boy (yes, I remember his name but won't state it)  in front of classmates asked "are you a turtle?"  Introverted, naive me replied "No". He proceeded to snap my bra strap and said "then why do you snap" to laughter of classmates.  I didn't report it.  I don't know think I even told my parents because I was embarrassed.  Others were there that will never remember it happened, but it had a life long impact on me. I avoided him throughout the rest of our school years as much as possible.  But he was such a "nice little boy"...

The second incident was in my first year as a 22 year old teaching in a male dominated math department with only three other female colleagues that were 10-20 years older than me.  The communal office was decorated with posters from X-rated movies with disgusting pictures.  They had hung there for years and the men saw nothing wrong with them and even when it was brought up in meetings, they had no intention of taking them down.  (One teacher also had St. Pauli girl posters decorating his classroom and no one made him take them down either.)  My second year, I couldn't tolerate the posters but there was no avenue for sexual harassment or filing complaints in those days.  So I went in one weekend and in a passive/aggressive move, took them down  They were ticked off, but I never admitted it then.  My female colleagues knew I did it, but we all took the flak. "Good ol' boys" considered "great teachers" that didn't think there was anything wrong with their behavior.  Again, a profound effect on my perception of some of my other male colleagues over the years.  

My point with these two stories is that YES we remember in great detail things that happened to us in our younger years even if it had little to no impact on the persons that did it.  They may have been acting in what was considered acceptable male behavior in the 70's and 80's.  It doesn't make it right and with a lens of continued inequities in our world, we need to acknowledge and move forward to do better!

Scans, Loss and Legacy

Morning sunrise out my front window.  

First off, I got my scan results yesterday.  They were mixed as some new lesions have appeared in the liver, but old spots in liver, lymph nodes and bones remain stable or improved.  My doctor and I have agreed to stay on this treatment for another three months and see what my next scan in December shows.  The side effects from this set of drugs has been manageable and the limited work schedule seems to help with the energy on the days I am at school. I am very grateful for Liz who's subbing as I know the library is in good hands, and she does some of the tasks I never quite have time to complete.  680 freshmen rotated through the library over the last month with their English teachers and learned what all we have to offer them.   Some individual teacher/class presentations until October when the PE classes start rotating through the library with their 9th graders.  I love the chance to teach so much in the fall.  It's one of the best parts of my job!

On a different note, there's been too much death in my life lately and it brings the reality of this disease just that much closer.  It's also made me reflective on legacy and how I want to be remembered.  (Not that I think it's coming soon!)

First, one of my mom's first cousins, Elspeth passed away shortly after being diagnosed with cancer.  She was 80 years old and had persevered with many health challenges over the year.  She was a cousin that always held great mystique for me.  I was six years old when she left the US for the South Pacific to teach school on the island of Kwajalein as a single woman.  She was always Mom's "exotic cousin" to me even after she returned to mainland and settled in the Monterey Bay region.  After Mom retired she and another cousin would meet regularly for lunches and sometimes I would be fortunate enough to join them.  Their stories of growing up in Oregon and lives beyond are beautiful memories.  Elspeth's memorial service won't be until Sept. 22, but if her 80th birthday party to go by, it will be well attended with some amazing stories of her legacy.

Second, one of the women in my support group passed away in July.  Her memorial was a few weeks ago.  I attended along with three others in our group.  It was a beautiful service.  Her sister held up a prism when she spoke and it made me think of all the different facets of this woman's life.  We knew her as a fellow cancer patient but others knew her before that facet developed.  The stories were fascinating--tango, computer expert, detail oriented sister and so much more.  The reception room had a table of memorabilia including photo albums from childhood on, that she had meticulously chronicled who/what each picture represented.  My apologies to my nieces who will most likely find mine; they aren't that well documented and I don't know that they ever will be.  

Third, the neighbor across the street from my parents died on her 94th birthday.  My parents have lived across the street from her since the 1970's so this is a long time relationship.  Her oldest daughter and I went from 3rd-12th grades together.  The youngest daughter faithfully lived with and took care of Mom since her husband died 10 years ago.  What a life she lived.  Her services were last week and also revealed the many sides of this woman.  I'm glad I took the time off to attend her service since Mom and Dad were traveling.  I got to catch up with my parents' neighbors I wave at when I'm headed in to Mom & Dad's and acknowledge Connie's life to her two daughters.  

Then on the periphery are two others in the support group earlier this year that I didn't know as well but still impact.  A long time district employee that I didn't know but the tributes to her that circulated were touching and illustrated what an impact small things can have on others.  Then there's John McCain's death that dominated the news.   His legacy and impact have certainly been illuminated.  Aretha Franklin's 9 hour memorial service has to be one for the history books.

So what does all this rambling mean?  I'm not sure.  The sun will rise again tomorrow and I will continue on this roller coaster ride.  It's just been in my thinking.  As someone who knows this metastatic disease will eventually bring on my death, I can't help but wonder how others will remember me and how do I want to be remembered?  I'm not asking for accolades and comments.  It's just something I'm pondering with this season of loss.   


It's enough for now, I'm ready for some happier events.  Anyone want to announce an engagement, pending birth or other happy event to celebrate please do!